Blog Episode 16: You Know, Why Even Bother...

   

    You know, I can't fucking take it anymore... I really can't... Every single fucking day is like a fucking nightmare. Do you know that every single day, when I go to bed, I'm literally wishing that it is my last day on earth, my last sleep ever to be had within my entire 21 years of my fucking life. That's right, this fucking world is a piece of fucking shit, and living in it is the equivalent of being in a fucking bucket filled with fucking cow-shit. But not just ordinary fucking cow-shit, no, just normal shit would be a sign of fucking mercy; no I'm talking about being drowned in a fucking sea of diarrhea shit. Fucking pure, brown, liquidy lake of fucking diarrhea and that's what living in this fucking world is like, it's the equivalent of living in that scenario, and everyday I'm drowning in it, waiting for my last fucking breath to be had, but no, instead it's the opposite.

    It's like karma has been very fucking "nice" to me (yeah that has a double meaning if I ever heard of one) by deciding to keep me alive. Every fucking day, I fucking have fucking faith in myself. I have fucking faith, FUCKING FAITH in myself when no one else has one, and look where that land me. Pure fucking discouragement by others, and pure fucking disappointment. I don't know what fucking cereal I fucking pissed in or what fucking wrong tree I barked up, but no matter what I fucking do, all that happens in return is a setup for fucking failure. 

   

    I live in a fucking world where a fucking falsely accused president is hated by the human race for no fucking reason, regardless of all the good things that this man has done, and next thing you know, we have a fucking mob boss in the fucking house! Yeah, a fucking cheater, and to be honest, to me, we don't have a fucking president, we don't have democracy anymore, this is pure fucking fascism, but I'm getting sidetracked...

    Ever since I was a kid, I always dreamed of growing up and enjoying this world. I remember watching television, seeing beautiful places like New York, and parts of Europe and how I wanted to fucking live there, spending my time living in those places and enjoying myself there! And what has these 21 years have to say about it? A fucking huge spitball and a smearing turd is the fucking answer, because those places are fucking done! New York is no more because fucking libtards had to go fucking "reeeeeeeeeeeeeee" over a fucking dead man that was "unfortunately" killed by a fucking cop. Yeah, boo-fucking-hoo, there are many other cases like this one, so what makes it so special? 

    Fucking humanity (if you can still call it that) is a joke now. People in the fucking 2000s used to be nice and they used to be courteous back then. Everything was so fucking peaceful back then, I used to remember being five years old, and watching television, playing outside in the yard and going to the park, swinging on the fucking swing-set. Nowadays, there's no more peace, everything is fucking chaos, and I'm so fucking sick of it. The fucking state that this country is in has made me gone mental, I want to fucking kill everyone, I wish everyone in this fucking world would fucking die, I can't fucking take it anymore.

    Everyday I fucking tell myself that it's going to be okay. Maybe this day was shit, and maybe I'll wake up to a better tomorrow. However, that tomorrow just turned out to be as disappointing as the previous tomorrows, there's no hope in my fucking life. I have never been through so much fucking hell in my fucking life, my OCD and anxiety has gotten fucking worse and everyone has fucking discouraged me.

    You know, I had a fucking dream. I dreamed about being a great game developer, for 10 fucking years I wanted to make my own fucking video game, a game that I had envisioned in my head for so many fucking years. Year after year of hard work and labor, putting hours into making pixel art for my fucking game, drawing sketches of my fucking character that I had grown so fucking attached to, has crumbled down into fucking ashes. It was my personal Mickey Mouse, that's how much it meant to me. I was almost like a Walt Disney in a way to this character, and what did this fucking world do? They fucking put me down, just like the fucking rest of them. There is no fucking humanity in this world anymore! Instead of encouraging others to do better, no, people have to be fucking pieces of fucking shits and I'm so sick of this shit!

    Combined with the fact that we now have a, could've-been president booted out of office, to fucking covid destroying society and tearing apart many businesses; to fucking rioters destroying, looting, and taking shit from other stores even though those fucking store owners had nothing to do with the fucking murder of George Floyd (if anything why not go after the fucking police stations, what does the fucking store owners have to do with this fucking shit), to fucking GROWN FUCKING 60 YEAR OLD POLITICIANS ACTING LIKE FUCKING CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LOSE AND WANT TO FEEL FUCKING SPECIAL, BECAUSE THIS WORLD HAS GONE TO SHIT!

    I can't take it anymore fucking more. All of this shit, combined with the never-ending, everlasting anxiety and depression that had to be fucking endured for six fucking years, all the way from fucking September 27th, 2014, to be exact, the same fucking year YouTube went to fucking shit, and so did other fucking social media. You have fucking forums now, where everyone is a fucking dick now, and every time you ask a fucking question, there's always that first, smart-ass reply to the fucking thread, even though it's on a fucking "SUPPORT" forum, and that's the point is to ask questions, but oh no, their excuse is to use the fucking search function, while in actuality they're doing that to get more fucking reddit karma and more post counts on their fucking forum. We as a human species have been degraded so fucking much, it's fucking pathetic.

    I feel like the reason why this world is shit is that I believe it's all from the internet. The fucking internet... The internet is a fucking mistake and I'm starting to fucking regret such a vile thing to ever be fucking made. People nowadays are acting like fucking uncivilized cunts because of it. Look at the fucking world 15-20 years ago! Times were so fucking peaceful, you could go out, and actually enjoy your fucking selves for once. I used to actually FUCKING SLEEP OVER at a friends house and play games together and go outside in their backyard as we played tag and actually fucking socialized with each other back then. Hell, we even DROVE ON A FUCKING ATV AND RODE AROUND A HUGE ACRE-SIZED PARK FOR FUCKING CHRIST'S SAKE! It seems like the previous fucking decades in our fucking history has more personality than this fucking normie, woke, overly-saturated, forced-diversity, SJW trash, because there seems to be no more creativity in this fucking world. There's no more fucking sociality in this world any fucking more...

    I bet if you ask a fucking person from today what a sleepover is, I bet they don't even know what that even fucking means, because that's all they do is fucking look at their fucking phones all day, going on fucking woke, normie social media sites like fucking Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, etc. where instead of doing something fucking beneficial with their lives, they have to fucking lick their fucking phones screens with their dedicated fucking, dickshaped, semen-crying eyes of theirs, all day, watching nothing but fucking woke, trash, normie cringe! I feel like fucking social media is the reason why we live in a fucking violent world today and maybe that's why this world has gone to fucking shit. 

    Go on any fucking forum 10-15 fucking years ago, people were nicer back then! People actually gave a shit and answered the fucking questions, they had fucking human decency. They would actually fucking converse with each other and welcomed one another with open fucking arms, giving advice and just discussing everyday things, in a civil and friendly manner!  It seems like now, the fucking world is nothing more than a hodgepodge of fucking shit, yeah, like a fucking donkey taking a shit on your fucking face, turning around, smearing that shit on your face on top of that, then kicking you in the face, and then walking away laughing as it's doing so. I'm so fucking sick of humanity, and that's partially the reason why I fucking hate humanity. The fact that I have no fucking friends, and the fact that we have been degraded as human beings to this fucking level is absurd; and this is the primary reason why I have become a fucking misanthrope. I'm so fucking sick of this fucking world, fuck this fucking world. I hate fucking humanity, and every single fucking day, I hate fucking humans so much as much as I hate myself, I wish World War III would start already, so we can fucking wipe ourselves out, because we're too fucking stupid to live and respect this beautiful fucking world.

    If I had a fucking nuke, I wish I could nuke this entire fucking world. This world needs to fucking die, and I'm sorry God... I'm really sorry, but you made a fucking mistake. You made a mistake when you created this world... Every fucking day, wishing for my death is inevitable. It can't come any sooner, because every fucking morning I used to wake up hopeful, actually looking forward to something in my life, actually trying to fucking progress, but now I've come to the fucking point where I'm just waking up feeling hopeless. Like actually, feeling fucking suicidal. 

    I've tried to distract myself from this cruel world, but apparently the fucking people that I encounter, especially on the internet have to carry that cruelty with them, and it deters me and fucking hurts me, and really fucking breaks me. It really breaks my motivation and kills it from making fucking progression in my fucking life. To whatever deity that I must've pissed off or whatever, what the fuck did I fucking do? What the fuck did I do to fucking deserve this fucking shit? I must've done something, I must've pissed off some kind of God in this universe to deserve this fucking shit! Every fucking day, it's like fucking prison. It's like living in a fucking cell-less prison. No walls whatsoever, you are free to roam the Earth, but your head in contrast is the real fucking prison and that's what my life has been for 6 years, and what years to come before my fucking loser sorry-ass dies a lonely fucking death. The world is a fucking prison at this fucking point, going to fucking prison is just pouring salt on an already-open wound. 

    I'm a fucking fat pig with no fucking potential and so many people have burst my fucking bubble, killed my fucking dreams and fucking hurt me so much to the point where I'm empty! FUCKING EMPTY!!!! DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO FUCKING FEEL EMPTY!? I'M EMPTY, FUCKING EMPTY MOTHERFUCKER! DO YOU WANT A WHIFF OF IT AND SEE HEHEHEHEHE! 

    I've gone fucking mental as you can see from all of the discouragement and the previous articles and rants that I've written on this blog, and it shows and I'm really fucking sick of it. I can't take it anymore... Sadly I'm not allowed to have weapons, so I can't obtain a fucking gun and off myself with it. If I had my way, I would get a fucking shotgun and fucking blow my face off with it because at least that would be fucking better than having a fucking mental spear shoved up my fucking ass for six fucking years! Life is like a bucket, a bucket that you're put into, as shit is being poured into it. It may not seem as bad at first, but as the years go by, that fucking shit begins to pile up, and then over time, you're drowning in it, suffocating in it, and eventually you fucking give in, and die a sad, miserable death, because you were a friendless, lonely sack of shit that nobody wanted to be fucking bothered by.

    Every fucking day, I would wake up and I would verbally say to myself, "Why am I still alive in this world? Why am I still fucking living?". Every fucking day I used to strongly believe that I wasn't a weak person, and I tried to fucking push through despite all the hardships that had to be dealt with, but it's no use... It just kept getting fucking worse! 2019 was the gateway year for me, and it just gone downhill from there as my life slid down a slippery, shit-smeared mountain, tumbling to my eventual demise. It has taken a toll on me as a person , both mentally and physically; also my mental health with it, and I have become mentally wounded by all the verbal traumas that had been instilled on me and I can't take it any fucking more.

    Time after time, as people were calling me names and as I've become so discouraged from enduring my dreams to become that game developer who would like to put his game on the fucking market; I had become to slowly accept the fact that I am a loser and it is literally a philosophical mantra that I go by to this day. I truly believe that I am a loser. I have accepted that deniable fact, and I don't want to deny it anymore. I am a loser, will always be a loser and will be a dead one too... Everything that I do is the work of Satan according to everyone in this world.

    So many people have avoided me, from the people at my work, not wanting to fucking talk to me, and when they do it's a short, two-second conversation, and then they turn around and talk to someone else for millions of years- to people saying rude things to me online and being discouraged; to all my fucking internet friends, just leaving me for no reason, like they were fucking friendly to me, and the moment I wanted to give-in, they just fucking vanished; to my fucking teachers who spent fucking minutes on end sucking each other's dick for fucking hours on end, talking about the fucking football game, instead of helping a helpless student that is clearly in front of you, but no, you're too fucking high on your fucking fat-ass of yours, sucking this fucking student's fucking cock! 

    Thanks to SJWs in this fucking world, my hatred for women have come back and has been strengthened, full fucking force. I actually identify myself as a fucking incel because this is too fucking much. Women have taken over fucking everything, they're like a fucking cancer, literally... And they fucking multiply like fucking rabbits too! Women are the most saturated fucking gender in this fucking world, to the point where they want to have their cake and eat it too, because we've become too fucking PC and western society is fucking crumbling because of it. All of this is too much, I even plan on moving to fucking South Korea because I can't take this fucking world, and especially this fucking country anymore. America has become a fucking pussified, politicized safe-space of a fucking country, as it houses fucking grown fucking kindergarteners who's attention span hasn't developed past the age of fucking 3, because they're so fucking self-entitled, they think they should get everything they want, because humanity is full of selfish pieces of fucking shits, and that right there validates my fucking misanthropic views of this world even FUCKING more!

    If this country doesn't care about it's people, then why should I care about abiding by its laws. I will be taking my citizenship elsewhere, because at least there, those countries have a fair fucking government. Conservatives are fucking pussies too... Instead of fucking fighting back and actually fighting for fucking freedom, they let liberal terrorist groups harass them and they get away with it. I'm so sick of this fucking country! Fuck America, and fuck its two-party system! This is why I always wanted a one-party system! This is what fucking happens when you let people run the fucking country. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of country leadership? Wouldn't you want a fucking ruler over you, to protect you, to provide for you, but no, instead we have a fucking, pussified country like America where that kind of system opens doors to more corruption than what a one-party system would... Put a fucking prime minister in charge instead of a fucking two-party system, and maybe there will be less of a fucking divide... Instead of fighting back against antifa, and creating their version of it, you know, like starting a fucking war (because common fucking sense, if you have a group of people harassing you, then FIGHT BACK!), no, they sit back, let themselves get fucking kicked, punched, spat on, and watch hopelessly as their fucking president gets dethroned (unfairly I might add), instead of fucking storming CNN, MSNBC, and other news headquarters and fucking getting revenge by beating up the news journalists, and etc. As much as I hate political extremism, I actually (sadly) miss those far-rightwing groups. I'll admit, I still think Charlottesville is the only time they fought back, I fucking wish we had more people ramming rioters with their fucking cars...

    But anyway, getting back to what I was saying... I live in a fucking world where women are fucking taking over everything, and because they have more fucking rights, they're now acting like fucking niggers too... They act like grown fucking children, and it's getting to the fucking point where I even hate looking at them. I get angry every time I look at a fucking woman, I get reminded about the fact that they're nothing but fucking manipulative, self-entitled, controlling, power-hungry motherfuckers. Like, why do fucking women have to fucking brag about their very fucking existence, like we actually give a fucking shit! This is fucking bullshit! You don't see fucking men doing it, but because it's a fucking "wamen", they have to fucking advertise themselves! Like when they're apart of a team or something, they have to fucking brag about it, like why the fuck do you have to do that? Why should we care? Yeah, I can already see that you're a woman, hoo-fucking-ray, do you need a fucking medal with that as well? Why can't we all just say that we're just a fucking human being just like everybody else.

    Everything nowadays has gone to fucking shit, every fucking thing that you like in this fucking world has been fucking politicized by left-leaning faggots, and it's the equivalent of pouring vomit and piss into a beautiful strawberry milkshake. Now you have milkshit. But not just things being politicized, but also everything nowadays is being fucking watered down too. There's no magic, no spark and no creativity anymore. There's no more artistic value in things, everything is just an over-saturated mess. So great, I live in a fucking world full of fucking retarded, autistic individuals who are older than me, a fucking lawless society where this country is becoming the wild-fucking-west on steroids, fucking self-centered, dickless/mouth-genitaled people who think that the fact that "they" exist automatically makes them feel fucking special, fucking rioters and looters, corruption every fucking where, and then I come to this fucking shit right here, the nail in the fucking coffin for me...

    A flowchart that I came across today, and look what it reads... 

You're shit out of luck...

Not only have my dreams been crushed for so many fucking years, but seeing this was my boiling point, all those fucking years of developing games and developing other artistic skills under my belt, only to be reminded once again of fucking things like this... And then I remembered... Oh yeah I forgot, I'm a fucking loser, and I already truly, and genuinely believe that I am a loser. I am fucking hopeless and will always be a fucking hopeless loser. Anxiety and depression has taken over my fucking life, to the point where it fucking affects my performances, and even necessity activities like homework, studies, etc. It has become to the point where it's literally the fucking air that I breathe now... My mind is in a constant fixation on negativity, as it is something that's on my mind 24/7, and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing will ever change me, no matter how hard I fucking try, even when other people tell me to forget about it (yeah, because simply telling someone that, will make that magically go away), or do things that'll distract you from thinking about it; it's still fucking there, laughing at my failure, as it constantly reminds me of how much of a failure that I am. It's like my mind has gone heroic BSOD and I cannot for the life of me, get my mind off of what is troubling me, it is like a curse.
It's like in Mario Kart, you know when you get a blooper in front of your car as it squirts ink all over you, as it conceals most of the screen. Yeah, take that scenario and make that permanent, because I am the type of person who never forgets. 

    You know, as I said in probably my previous iterations on this forum, I've said that I decided to migrate away from video games and move on to movies, and recently that form of art that has yet to be ruined by-now, SJW's; it has been a gateway drug for me to take my mind off of the shit that I'm going through in my fucking life and it wasn't until last year, 2020, a few days after my 21st birthday, that I decided to rent the Joker, a film that was released in 2019, and everybody fucking raved about that movie. Even the conservative channels that I followed recommended this film to me, so I decided to give it a try, and holy fucking shit. When I watched the film, I can fucking relate perfectly with this fucking movie. This movie perfectly speaks to me in so many fucking ways, it's fucking mind-blowing and scary at the same time. It's almost like this movie was directly made about me.

Am I going to go so insane from the fucking world that I live in, a fucking hodgepodge of fucking gorilla shit, that I'm going to becoming a fucking serial killer? That would be nice! Just mow everyone fucking down, kill every fucking person in fucking sight! And so, we have the protagonist Arthur Fleck who lives a lonely and shitty life just like I am. He is put down by everybody, just like me. He was nice to everybody and wanted to make friends, but got shit in return, just like me. And at the end of the movie, he becomes a mental serial killer, JUST LIKE FUCKING ME! When Arthur Fleck truly transformed into the Joker, it is the same way I have fucking transformed into the monster that I am today. The happy-go-lucky Roger that I used to be in the past is no more, I have become a lone loser that nobody wants. The frustration of socializing with people and trying to fit in with society and not being fucking accepted, only to be FUCKING pushed to the fucking side like fucking dirt, like fucking trash... All of those puzzle pieces perfectly fit together with that movie...

    I can't fucking take it anymore, I don't even know what to do anymore. Every fucking day, I want to fucking kill myself but I can't because I don't have a gun, and though you could say that overdosing or hanging yourself is also an option, it's a slow and painful death, so I thought shooting yourself in the head, especially with a fucking hand-cannon or a 12-gauge shotgun would help me tremendously. I don't even see no point in getting a fucking relationship at this point, because I don't even expect to be in one to be honest, considering the fact that I'm already a lonely, fat fucking faggot loser to begin with (not that I'm interested in dating anyways). 

    I've lived so many fucking years, those first 10 years of innocence, and then after five years, that's when the fucking cyanide starts to fucking kick in, and everyday is a leftover cyanide pill that is causing me a slow and painful death. Everyday I'm literally crying on the inside, like my heart is literally crying (if it could cry, it would); but on the outside, I'm melancholic. I must have the happiest frown in the world... It's really a fucking shame that nobody knows the pure fucking horrors of what is encased in this mental, secretive box of mine... I literally cry about the thought, if they were to find out about such horrific things.

After my recent 21st birthday, it was the day, a day in life that reminded me that I have entered legal adulthood, and also the day that I start drinking... Recently I have been drinking lately and as of this post, I had myself two cans of Bud Light Seltzer Strawberry to rid myself from this pain, and it actually succeeded. Yesterday was the happiest I've ever felt in my fucking life. I was on the fucking floor laughing, and I literally felt like my problems have went away - for a while... And then here I am, back to square fucking one, depressed as usual again, and you know what? Fine, I fucking give up. Apparently this world doesn't like to fucking see me succeed. Every time I fucking try to succeed, the world just put me down and everyone fucking laughs at me and I can't fucking take it anymore. As I got older, the more depressed and the more fucking shit I have to fucking deal with and I'm beginning to fucking wonder if I'm the problem... I'm starting to wonder if my creation, my very birth, and me existing in this world in itself, is a mockery from God? It's like God created me as a fucking joke. And just like the Joker, I am the joke that is waiting to being turned into a Joker... I feel like my very existence is an insult to this world. The sheer fact that everybody always treat me aggressively, the experience at my school and at my work, and the fact that I have no acceptance in my life, it's driving me to commit a fucking mass-shooting!

    You have to fucking admit, every fucking serial killer in this fucking world is motivated by something and that is either by lack of acceptance, abuse, or being bullied at school, and you can't fucking blame them, because I feel like among the very few people that sympathizes with fucking serial killers, are the people who endured the abuse just like I have... They were abused by humanity and they hate them so fucking much that they want to rid the world of it, and even themselves! My very fucking existence in this fucking world is a fucking shitstain, a fucking piss-stain upon humanity, and everybody avoids me like the fucking plague, FOR NO FUCKING REASON, IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT!

    WHEN I TRIED TO BE NICE TO FUCKING PEOPLE, THEY IN RETURN SPAT IN MY FUCKING FACE! WHEN I TRY TO JOKE WITH PEOPLE, THEY CAN'T TAKE A FUCKING JOKE AND HAVE TO BE A FUCKING BUZZKILL BECAUSE THERE'S NO FUCKING FUN IN THIS WORLD! I'M SO SICK OF THE FUCKING DOUBLESTANDARDS IN THIS FUCKING WORLD, IT'S FUCKING URETHRA PISS! AND YOU KNOW WHAT! I'M FUCKING SICK OF THIS FUCKING SHIT!

    Everyday, I've been the nice, smiling, happy fucking Roger that tries to fit in, but when you're not accepted, it really fucking hurts. When your fucking 10-year old dream gets fucking shot right in front of you, it extremely fucking hurts. And you know what, that nice Roger Hill has now fucking faded, because I've become a new fucking me, and one day, I might become the fucking Joker! And then I'll go to fucking jail all because of humanity, as they wrongfully point the finger at me, saying that I'm the crazy one, and I'm the lunatic, where in actuality, can you really say that I have been a bad person all my life? People are not bad... They just become that way... And then it really begs the million dollar question... 

You know... Why even fucking bother?