I wasn't kidding when I said that my decision to boycott Nintendo would fully come into fruition, and that INCLUDES Kirby... Yes, one of my biggest childhood heroes to save me from my depression and anxiety, Nintendo yet again proves my point that they are incapable of coming up with new ideas, as they have been creatively bankrupt in making their innovative games. You may be asking, "why am I still talking about video games if you said a couple articles ago that I was going to never play video games again?". Well, my naïve friend, even though I have made that decision, that doesn't change the fact that I will voice my opinion on a great dying company such as Nintendo, as I still have old scores to settle. So, even though I won't play video games, it's NOT certain that I will never touch another video game again, as it will just be ONE of the last things that I will resort to when I'm dying from boredom, so take that what you will.
So there I was, in my bed, readying to go to sleep, as I was bored out of my mind as all that occupies it are food and sleeping. And yes, my life is that boring... No TV to watch, no internet to browse, I might watch an occasional YouTube video now and then, but all and all, I am just a lonely, nobody that just wakes up, eat, and then sleep in this redundant cycle, all the while being in a depressed, anxious, zombified stupor. So, while my Nintendo Switch was collecting dust in a corner somewhere, I had finally had the strength to turn on the damn thing because it hasn't been in use for months. As I was turning it on, I saw on the left hand side of the screen that there was a "NEW" Nintendo Direct. Because I was able to smell through Nintendo's bullshit, I didn't watch the presentation so I just intentionally spoiled myself to see what new games were announced at the bottom.
What caught my eye at first were few presumably, well-known AAA titles announced on the platform, which is respectable, and then I saw a game that I admired being fully announced for purchase, both of which immediately caught me off guard... There was ActRaiser, a game that I emulated back when I was a kid, and playing the shit out of that game, and also was really huge into that kickass soundtrack. Will it get the disappointing "Ghost and Goblins" treatment with it's subpar graphics? Who knows, this was just a game that caught my eye and it's respectable that Capcom still acknowledges that this franchise exist, 30 years later. What's funny was when I was a kid, I always wanted an ActRaiser 3 and I guess I got my wish 10 years later, so here we are. And then what really caught me off guard was the announcement of this new collection of Castlevania games! Yes, that's right, my balls was blown the fuck off when I saw this release on the screen, and I immediately wanted to buy it as soon as I clicked on it, but slowly coming back to my senses, I decided to just let that wait for while, however my anticipation to play this game was more warranted than this DISAPPOINTMENT of a game that I'm about to mention in a few minutes.
Other than that I was so excited, because I love the Castlevania games, as I've grown a heart for them ever since I first played Symphony of the Night, a game that introduced me to metroidvania games. When I saw that Aria of Sorrow and several other great Castlevania games were included in that collection, I almost immediately wanted to buy it as soon as I saw it, but... Because I am on a tight budget for undisclosed reasons, I decided to let my fanboying cool off for a while. It is amazing that now I have the option to play at least ONE Castlevania metroidvania game on my Switch, because I loved Portrait of Ruin so much and I am still planning on getting Order of Ecclesia in the future, so seeing this on the Switch had me so excited at the moment, as I have been asking for this option for several years now. I didn't like the first one as most of the games on it were NES games, and I'm not really too keen on those type of games as I always liked the SNES-era better, so the one game that I liked playing the most was Super Castlevania IV, as it was a game I've played the fuck over and over again until my TV exploded (not really).
It's a damn shame that KONAMI would still refuse to fucking SOTN to the switch, as it has been fucking years since they made that decision. I mean come on, you had it released on the fucking Xbox 360 at one point, is there some kind of contract that they made where they cannot port it to a SINGLE Nintendo console? Well, who knows, I figured because this is an "Advanced" collection, maybe they'll come out with some future collection with more contemporary games, and hopefully, SOTN is one of them, so fingers crossed.
Well, anyways, I was getting off point as you may be asking at this point of reading this, what does any of this have to do with Kirby? Well, after going through a system update, because presumably after a direct is announced, there's always an update thrown at you, I was taken back to the lock screen where I was looking at the left hand side where the news previews were and out of curiosity, I decided to see what's new. My eyes landed on a new Kirby game... When I saw this, my jaw almost wanted to drop and my mind began to conflict with itself, saying this mantra in my head "PLEASEDONTBUYPLEASEDONTBUYPLEASEDONTBUY", however thankfully, shortly after, I've came to my logical senses sticking with my word that I am done with Nintendo. So I clicked on the video, coming to realization that Kirby was already doomed after that disaster of a game that was "Kirby Star Allies", with it's shit story and crappy 30 FPS cap, I wasn't expecting anything better.
The trailer starts off with some buildings in ruins, which have been taken over by plants, as shortly after, the camera pans to a washed ashore Kirby on the beachside somewhere. Kirby gets up to look around a bit to get a full view of what predicament he had been placed in and then it cuts to Kirby jumping up and running off into the jungle-filled distance. What could've been a great game was immediately met with a 3D-Mario-Esque gameplay, which was a concept that I have been excitedly asking for, for years, but after that last disappointment of a game, that's not going to win me over to investing into this franchise, nor any Nintendo game for that matter; anytime soon. I was hoping for another Kirby platformer, as I love platformers, and I was saddened to see what this franchise has came to be... I was hoping for a 60 FPS Kirby platformer game to make up for the sins that the franchise had just committed before it and here I am, met with this choppy framed, shitty graphic looking game with shit gameplay and amateurish controls. You could say that this is probably just the first build of the game, but if you're going to drop a trailer, your job is to captivate the audience into buying said game. If your build of a game looks like shit in your first trailer, then no one is going to be economically invested into that game.
Take this example what you will, but even several AAA games that were first shown off, that were then later complained about with the graphics getting its downgrades, at least they still attempted to make the game look appealing to what audiences want! Look at Watch Dogs! When I first saw the trailer for that game in 2012, I was fucking blown away at the time when I saw the capability of how graphically great that game was, granted from what I heard, a lot of people didn't like the game when it came out, it still looked amazing at first and guess what? I was INVESTED in that game, and this was coming from the past me that didn't even have a single adult-oriented console like Xbox or PlayStation, just mere years later to finally get my hands on a PS4 Slim in 2018.
And hey, I wouldn't mind a 3D Kirby game, but when your game has boring visuals that literally rivals 3DS level graphics, to the point where even the 3DS would look better than this, you already lost me, as I was already lost from Nintendo to begin with, after realizing how shitty of a company it has become. I even vaguely remember the trailer still in my head 20 minutes ago as I am typing this that the game is going to probably be in 30 FPS since gameplay footage for the game in that trailer was not in 60 FPS compared to it's other game trailer counterparts released on the platform, realizing that this is going to be in 30 FUCKING FPS AGAIN! Why HAL? What the fuck HAL? Why the fuck do you refuse to make your games in 60 FPS? There were not just previous iterations in those games that made me love them near and dear to my heart at one point, but ATLEAST THEY WERE IN 60 FUCKING FPS IN WHICH IT MADE IT FUCKING PLAYABLE! I was never into Zelda, and nor have I played any Zelda game other than BOTW and Zelda and the Four Swords 25th Anniversary Edition on my DSi; as well as not being a fan of them in general, but I'm going to assume that it's predecessors prior to BOTW were in 60 FPS (correct me if I'm wrong), so I can't imagine how reactions were when BOTW was in 30 FPS instead of 60! Fans must've been pissed, and so am I with this poor, shit excuse of a garbage heap of trash!
All I was just asking for was to make another great Kirby platformer game that's just as good as Kirby's Planet Robobot, as that was a game when I first saw it, I didn't really like the concept for, but guess what? When I played it, I'm dead fucking serious, it is one of, if not, THE BEST game in the entire franchise! Even for me, it surpassed Kirby Super Star, that's how much I fucking loved this game, from the great music, to memorable bosses, to it's awesome gimmicks and compelling villains! ...and then this shit heap comes along and just shits all over it's legacy as a franchise. Kirby Star Allies had shitty and unmemorable music, with very few being hummable, an UNBEARABLE 30 FPS CAP, shitty twists that makes the villain of the game as laughable as a Luigi's Mansion or Donkey Kong game, all punctuated by eye-candy graphics to fool the fans into thinking that this game was going to be the biggest thing, and let me tell you, as a die-hard fan, I was fucking fooled! It even played on that Super Star nostalgia to win fans over, only to disappoint in the end. Fuck that game!
So after seeing this trailer, what makes you think that this game is going to be any better? The graphics are 3DS level, it has low satisfaction in the gameplay department, almost to the point where it feels like it was programed by an amateur indie-game dev, and even the combat in the trailer lacks the punch! It just feels like a generic 3D mobile game that makes Ocean Horn, a BOTW clone, look like fucking Red Dead Redemption 2! Even the bosses are uninspired! A giant gorilla as one of the bosses? Don't we already have Bonkers, you know the hammer-wielding mini-boss in the previous games? And seemingly throughout this game, you're running around in this 3D world, beating up these furry looking creatures that look uninspired and unoriginal, making my eyes roll at this trailer all the while! Even the concept of the stars that the boss emits when they slam the ground looks weirdly portrayed, as instead of maybe like have the stars by themselves just spin in a three-dimensional manner, instead they are incased in these bubble looking things for you to inhale to spit at your enemies. Even the aiming system in this game looks wonky! There's no suggestive locking mechanism, meaning that you have to manually, by eye, aim at the enemies hoping that you'll be able to land in a hit, as demonstrated with the ice ability when Kirby shoots out his ice cubes. What the fuck were they thinking?
And as I was watching more and more of this trailer, I'd also began to notice a pattern as well. This whole game seems to take place in like this "broken-world" environment, like everything in this game looks like it's in ruin. What is Nintendo's obsession recently with the "post-apocalyptic" approach to their games? They did it with BOTW, even in some of the kingdoms in Mario Odyssey it takes on an apocalyptic ruin approach, they did it in Splatoon 3, and now this game! Is that Furukawa's wet dream? Like is that the best concept that they can come up with? Why not a fucking change for once? I don't know, make it medieval or something, I'm getting so sick and tired of this, post-apocalyptic, dystopian society, approach to these recent games, it's beginning to look formulaic and predictable at this point! It's not appealing to the eye, and it just makes everything look bleak and depressing! For a company that seems to be mostly kid oriented, you would think they would choose more brighter colors for their recent games on their so called, next and more "powerful" hardware, especially for a KIRBY game!? CHRIST I MISS THE FUCKING IWATA-ERA!
Had this game would've have the same detailed and immersive animations that would've been akin to Kirby's Brawl model from SSBB, I would've actually cared, but because this it Nintendo we're talking about here, I couldn't give two shits out of two different assholes, both anally, and orally, to begin with. When they announced a concept for a 3D Kirby game, I was expecting realistic, frictional sliding physics, idle animations, a Devil May Cry-esque combat like with the sword ability for the player, and variable jump heights. Nope, instead, we're treated to mobile-game tier garbage. Go fuck yourselves Nintendo, and go fuck yourself HAL for ruining this franchise and its legacy for these pathetic excuses of games with no heart, no soul, and no immersive stories to go along with them. What made the previous games special was that they had a connection with me as a "once" gamer. I liked Kirby, because I liked the concept of inhaling enemies and getting their abilities, and I liked the memorable, heartwarming stories that they executed and portrayed. Those stories made me feel so nostalgic, and when I see games like Kirby Star Allies, which is a mere perversion and a spit in the face to its legacy that it withholds, it's fucking insulting.
When I was playing KSA, I was expecting this,
Not fucking this...
So, no, I am not buying "Kirby and the Forgotten Land". Even the title sounds unoriginal and uninspired. It's like they came up with all this shit in one day, and the gameplay in the trailer shows. Like, seriously, the title sounds like that's the first thing that came to their heads. I'm not sure if that's a placeholder title like they did with just "Yoshi" back in the 2017 EA reveal, or the actual title of the game (god forbid...). Even Kirby Star Allies sounds like a name for a mini-game of an actual Kirby game, like in Kirby Super Star Ultra with, "Helper to Hero". When you have a fucking Castlevania collection game, which is a collection of games that I actually give a shit about, THAT ARE NOT EVEN FUCKING NEW, have me more excited than a BRAND NEW KIRBY GAME, A FRANCHISE THAT I WOULD BE WILLING TO DIE ON A HILL FOR, then that's FUCKING SAD! Back when I was a Nintendo fan, when there was a new Kirby game announced, I would literally lose my shit, throwing my wallet at the screen like it was the second coming of Jesus Christ! Sadly with this game announcement, it failed to do that... HARD! And you may be asking, why am I still buying games for the system when I mentioned that I was interested in buying the Castlevania Advanced Collection? For one, it's not made by Nintendo, so any third-party releases on the console is excluded from my decision to boycott Nintendo all together, so instead, I'm just using the console as a convenient platform to play games that I could've had on better consoles, ala PlayStation or Xbox.
Bottom-line, the game looks bland, uninspiring, unoriginal, has boring environments, shitty mobile-game level graphics, and the gameplay seems to be reminiscent of Kirby's Blowout Blast, with no improved modern gameplay, physics, eye-catching graphics or the sort. Hell, I would bet your ass that they literally took the source code for that game and just slapped it onto this embarrassment of a fucking title of a game. And like I said about the graphics, there are videos on YouTube, showcasing models of Kirby running on Unreal Engine, pitted against this RDR2 level graphics of environments and A FUCKING SHOWCASE of that looks a million times better than this shit-heap of a game! If you're going to make a 3D Kirby game, fine be my guest, but at least make the graphics and gameplay appealing as well. I am more invested in a fucking free, Unreal Engine showcase demo... And as much as Nintendo likes to steal and DMCA content creators, this is the one time I wish Nintendo would at least steal from that... No, they rather rape and exploit their franchises for money and DMCA passionate content creators instead of caring about the fans and developing new and more powerful hardware to rival its rivals, so why should I care about a company that does that to its fans...
But hey, even though a trailer was just revealed, maybe this is just an early build of the game, maybe I'm wrong and this was probably the first week they started working on the game, but even so... Like I said before, if the gameplay and graphics look like shit, there won't be any investment from people, especially from the likes of me. Like they always say, sometimes the first impression, is the last impression and for me, as a former die-hard Kirby fan, I'm not buying it. Unless there's a demo for this game to fully give my take on this catastrophic failure, I am not giving my hard-earned, sixty-dollars to this shitty game, nor to this hack company that is Nintendo... So go fuck yourselves!
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