I remember being so fucking excited, just as much as I first got my Nintendo Switch, I was hugging the thing on the way home and then I rushed to my room, and plugged the game in on my dusty Nintendo Switch as the games for the thing are so fucking expensive, and then popped up on my screen was Kirby Star Allies! I started the game, getting my expectations up, and then the title screen! It played the intro cutscene just as was shown in Twitter, and I immediately got Kirby Super Star vibes just from watching it, and then it throws you into the main menu, and then I noticed something immediately when the menu was presented… The game was in 60 FPS! At that point I was relieved, thinking that the game was changed to 60 FPS and I can at least, finally enjoy the game again. Remember, I’m a 60 FPS guy, I don't like playing on low framerates, because it makes me feel like the game is lagging and I think 60 should be the standard for all games. So, then I started a new game, and then the cutscene for the game played. It was in 30 FPS, and I was like, okay, that’s usually normal for fully animated cutscenes to be in 30 FPS, so maybe the game would be in 60 FPS. So, then after that’s done, I was then presented to the world map of the game! The world map, then again, was in 30 FPS, so I then thought, well maybe the levels are in 60 FPS. Right? Wrong! On the map, you are thrown into this open environment, where Kirby can move around in 3D and select the levels (kind of like in Super Mario 3D Land), something that’s not usually seen in Kirby games! I went to the first level, and as expected, the game was in 30 FPS! I then thought, well if the game is going to be in 30 FPS, then it better be fucking good.
As I progressed through the game, World 1 was doing good so far, and I was having so much fun, as I was beginning to like this game because of it. There would also be times where you would have to befriend enemies in the game, mostly having four of them, helping you along by stepping on multiple switches, pulling levers, or jumping in cannons! I then got to King Dedede, the boss at the end of World 1, and then, going through the usual transformations, turning into Buff Dedede, after he has been defeated, Kirby does the usual dance like the previous installations! Then shortly after, all of a fucking sudden, fake credits started popping up on screen, and I’m like, what the fuck is this!? This is the most un-Kirby thing you can put in a Kirby game! I know it was supposed to be a joke, but to me, it felt forced! Like this would be something you’d see in a Luigi’s Mansion game, Super Mario Sunshine or a Rare-Ware game.
So I was like… “Okay…”. So on to the next world, the usual, maybe it might be a desert world or some kind of beach world, and it was kind of like that, but it was different than I expected. Here, in the next world, you’re thrown into like this overworld type environment called Planet Popstar, which at first I thought, oh that’s neat, at least it’s like Kirby’s Return to Dreamland, where the overworld map is a giant star, and you unlock more worlds within that map! So, I’m on this Warp Star, traversing through the map, and I see what I first thought was the second world of the game, Friendly Field. When I entered it, it was just a level, so I thought, okay, so maybe, this level is the entire world, maybe it’ll be just a compilation of levels just like Meta Knightmare Returns in Kirby Planet Robobot, or maybe it’s like Kirby’s Adventure, where it starts you off with the first level of the world and then drops you into the hub world, nothing to it, right? Then I finished the level and I’m like, hold the fuck up!? THAT’S IT!? WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT!? So, I’m thinking that instead of HAL making worlds in this game, Planet Popstar is the entire world!? WHAT KIND OF LOGIC IS THAT? So literally, all the parts of the map that I thought were worlds, are just levels! So, then I just thought that maybe, what comes after this might be another dimension right? You know, different dimension, unique levels, right? So I beat Planet Popstar, basically most of the levels of that area just being short recaps of worlds in previous Kirby games, like the beach world; lava world, etc.; the boss of that area being a possessed Meta Knight and then I unlock a new area, and it throws me into the final boss area? WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!?
Yeah, the world after this one is what I’m assuming to be the headquarters of the bad guys. That’s a bad move if you’re going to make a game that’s gonna throw you THIS early into the end part of the game, like what’s going on? I remember sitting in my chair thinking, “Wait, it’s over already? But I’m only 2 worlds in!”. So get this, this world is just called the Fortress of Shadows, which has to be the most random ass pull you can make for a fucking game! How much sense does it make that only 30 fucking minutes ago, you were going through all the normal levels and worlds, and then all of a sudden, you’re thrown into this final boss looking world! Like what the fuck? Have they ever heard of fucking story progression!? You know, have the game slowly build tension towards the climax? That would be like if you played a Mario game, and you completed worlds, 1 and 2, and then all of a sudden you thrown in world 8, Bowser’s world! What the fuck kind of logic is that? Was this game rushed or something? Was there any thought put into this game whatsoever, no wonder it took them a year to release this game, because that’s literally how much time they spent on making the game! Not completely fleshed out, just rushed out the door, and it was made within a year!
Never in my life, had a game that I had been so excited for had pissed me off this fucking much! It’s literally like Yoshi’s Island DS, all over again! This fucking game is like a girlfriend that you always had a crush on in school, you wanted to talk to her, but you’re too afraid to, and then you finally get to make the decision, you’re like, “Yes, I’m going to finally make that decision and talk to her! I’m going to finally ask her out on a date”, and then she agrees. So you’re so fucking excited! You take her out to a restaurant or go out to the park or whatever, and just have a good time, and then you get to finally be together with that girl, and then all of a sudden she starts acting like a fucking bitch. Just starts treating you like shit, acting like you owe her something, and I’m like, hold the fuck up, this is our fucking first date, but it doesn’t matter, because she decides to show her true fucking colors anyways, and that’s this fucking game!
What could’ve been a great game, and what could’ve been a game that I would’ve loved so near and dear to my heart, right next to Kirby Planet Robobot, was nothing more than an asshole waiting to take a shit on your fucking face! You may have not seen the asshole at first, but when you look closely enough, there it is! Even when you beat a level, the game automatically transcends to 60 FPS, like what the fuck!? Why not make the entire game like that, why did they make the game 30 FPS then, WOULD IT HAVE HURT TO MAKE THE FUCKING GAME 60 FPS!?
While there were some down moments in the game, some levels were pretty fun, like for example, that one autumn level called Planet Earthfall, where there’s leaves all over the place and you use the broom ability to sweep some of the leaves to progress, reaching the boss! That was a great level, and it was really relaxing, it was probably the most nostalgic level I have ever played through, but that’s where my love for this game ends, it just bits and pieces here and there. So, I beat, what presumably is supposed to be World 3, you know the villain hideout place, and then I went to world 4, and then all of a sudden, holy fucking shit! What the fuck is this!? All of a sudden, you’re presented with this like open map, outer space type environment and there are a bunch of planets to explore to. This place is called, Far-Flung Starlight Heroes. Pretty long name for an area in the game, why not just fucking call it, “Space Area”, or something! I get that this was supposed to be a homage to Milky Way Wishes in Kirby Super Star, but when I spent $60 for this game, I DID NOT FUCKING EXPECT THIS GAME TO END THIS WAY!? I was literally asking myself at this point, what the fuck is going on? Literally, I was fucking wondering what this game was trying to make me feel? There’s a lack of consistency throughout the game and this world shows it!
If you wanted this game to be a remake of Kirby Super Star, or like maybe a sequel, fine, be my guest, in fact, I would love that, actually; but don’t take elements from Super Star, and just cram it in without any rhyme or reason just for the fucking sake of it! You might say the same about Super Mario Odyssey, because of it’s Super Mario 64 nostalgia, but that’s justified, because it’s supposed to be a collectathon, and when you see elements of that game, it’s heartwarming! I don’t know what the fuck this game is trying to be!? Is this a traditional Kirby game or is this an open world game? Where is the plot going!? What the fuck is this game!?
While there were some levels in the game that were pretty enjoyable, others were downright just fucking annoying! Like this one level! I forgot what it was, but it was in World 4, the far-flung heroes world, mostly a green level in some kind of cave called Planet Caverna, and literally the fucking level was a maze like level, and as I was traversing through the level, at times I was beginning to feel aggravated and claustrophobic, not knowing where the fuck to go! The entire level is full of mini-bosses and then when you beat the bosses, you go to the next room and beat the level, right? NO! You have to fucking go back and fourth, going in multiple doors, to see which one is the right one until you beat the entire game! This level basically felt like a Ghost House level in New Super Mario Bros., it was that fucking annoying. When I got to this level in the game, the enjoyment and the pure excited that I had for this game had purely tanked, and they played us. HAL actually played us like a fucking dog! Just like how Star Wars fans were so fucking pissed when the Last Jedi came out, this fucking game was my personal, Last Jedi.
Every fucking level after that, was just forgettable! Level after level! I did not feel any anticipation for the next world at this point, I did not feel for the characters or why the villains are evil the way they are; I just wanted to finish the game as soon as possible, and you know that’s a bad sign, because isn’t that the point of playing a game, just to quote AVGN here; IS TO HAVE FUCKING FUN!? Like why make fucking World 4, the final world!? Even in Kirby’s Return to Dreamland, they had six worlds, but here it’s four worlds! What sense does it make for you to start the game out with a grass world, then the entire planet of the game, and then the fucking villain’s hangout area, and then OUTER SPACE!?
Now, it might’ve made sense for the space area to exist and they could’ve justified it by making it where if you go to world 4, maybe have you complete those levels, and then as you progress, you begin to realize how evil the villains are, and how much they’ve corrupted and deprived the planets of other beings; of their peace and freedom. Then when you get to the final boss, all the planets are under his control and when you defeat him, he reaches his second phase and then his soul would travel and possess Planet Popstar, and make A LITERALLY GIANT PLANET THE FINAL BOSS AND THEN USE ALL YOUR STAR ALLY BUDDIES AND TEAM UP, INCLUDING ALL THE PEOPLE FROM THE PLANETS THAT YOU HAVE SAVED, TO DESTROY YOUR HOME PLANET, POPSTAR, WHICH IS BEING USED AGAINST YOU AND HAVE THE GIANT PLANET BE AN ACTUAL FINAL BOSS! At least that plot would’ve been better than this fucking shitty, linear, point A to point B, game!
Oh no, but it gets even fucking worse! So after beating all the levels that I did not give a shit about, you (like at the end of every major event in each world) fight one of the fucking waifu sisters, the first one being the blue one which shoots water, the red one, which shoots fire, and the yellow one that produces electricity, and the yellow one was the one I was fighting at the end of World 4.
So, after you beat her, you finally get to the last level of the final game. Will this level be everything that I hope it would be, will the final boss of the game be just as badass as I thought it would be in the trailer!? It fucking better be! So, I played the level, my heart pounding, controller in hand, what the final boss was going to be, navigating through forgettable corridors and rooms leading up the final boss, left and right, and then, here we are… The final boss… The big man. The big guy behind all of this mayhem in Dreamland! We find out that Hyness, the big bad of the game who had been seizing all the hearts from Dreamland, wants to use those hearts to resurrect the dark lord of the game. Hearing this motive alone, reinstated all the love I had for this game, and maybe, JUST MAYBE, an ounce of respect would be gained from me once again, for this game… So, after exposition dump, after exposition dump, the fight then starts.
The first phase of Hyness is just him, almost defenselessly levitating around the room, throwing attacks at you in his way, so at this point, I was thinking this was some kind of build up. So I began, dodging some of the attacks and started hitting him, and then, something happened. Something that I did not expect. And at this point, my love for this game, tanked… Even. Fucking. Further… Hyness, second phase begins after you hit him a few times, and his clothes began to unravel. At first, during my reaction of seeing this, I thought it was a bit too early to reveal his face, and I preferred for it to remain covered for mystery purposes, but then I was like, well it’s too late, so I wouldn’t mind what the reveal would be. And then, the face reveal happened…
Are you kidding me… Are you fucking kidding me! YOU BUILT UP SO MUCH FUCKING POTENTIAL FOR THIS FUCKING GAME, THAT YOU COULDN’T EVEN GET THE FUCKING FINAL BOSS RIGHT!? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU! WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!? OF ALL THE FUCKING TRUE FORMS THAT YOU COULD’VE COME UP WITH, YOU LITERALLY THOUGHT FOR ONE MINUTE THAT, “hmm, what should the design for our final boss should be, OH YEAH, LET’S MAKE HIM LOOK LIKE FUCKING SQUIDWARD! THAT’LL DO THE TRICK!”, WAS A GOOD FUCKING IDEA!? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT!?
I was literally, sitting in my fucking chair with a shocked expression on my face, as if I’ve seen a horse fucking a human in the fucking ass, questioning my fucking sanity at this point! How the fuck did we go from this,
To this,
To this,
To fucking this?
This fucking boss had so much fucking potential! I remember thinking to myself how fucking awesome this boss would be, just the design alone for Hyness was so fucking badass and I thought it was gonna top Zero Two from Kirby 64, because who knows what his true form would’ve been. Maybe some kind of demon that is so hideous to look it, or just an outright Castlevania-like final boss! I’m down with that, any eldritch abomination over this laughable of a fucking final boss right here! And I know you might be saying, “Well, Meta Knight, when unmasked is just another Kirby”, yeah but that’s a side character, he’s not a fucking final boss of all things (Well, except Revenge of Meta Knight in Kirby Super Star). If Kirby games had a history of nightmare inducing final bosses, why not carry the torch with this one!?
So, after we fight Squidward’s lost, abominable cousin, then we get to the third phase of the final boss, and surprisingly, the game actually changes it up! The game switches to this like this 3D third person perspective game, flying around on a warp star with your friends, while fighting this giant dark lord, that’s walking towards you. I’ll admit, I was pretty impressed when I first saw this and did not expect anything like this for the final boss. The warp star mechanic reminded me of Kirby Air Ride in a way, and jumping over the boss’s shockwave from the stomps, almost gave me Shadow of the Colossus vibes. However, that wasn’t enough to get me to like this game, as shortly after, when you do fight the final boss, you have to get inside him three times and fight this like smiling ball thingy, which in a way, looks like Kirby, and it’s the most easy, monotonous things that I have ever had to sit through in a game… After you beat the final boss, then it explodes, and then the Squidward looking guy joins along with us on our warp star, as the game teaches us that friendship is indeed magic!
FUCK THIS FUCKING GAME, THIS FUCKING GAME WAS PURE, FUCKING, DISAPPOINTING GARBAGE! SERIOUSLY! What the fuck were they thinking when they came up with this fucking mess! This game, at the end of the day, made me feel like fucking nothing! Like fucking $60!? That could’ve went to a fucking good, fancy restaurant! You can buy three packs of ground beef with that amount of money! You can buy a fucking week’s worth of fucking steaks with that amount of money! I can buy fucking DS games on one hand with that kind of money! Seriously, what the fuck where they thinking! A short game, that’s not worth your time, shitty mechanics, forgettable levels, annoying characters, a disappointing final boss, and a game locked at 30 FPS, all at the fucking price of $60 fucking dollars! This is fucking unacceptable, like, I might’ve forgiven it if it were to be like maybe $30, AND if it were only 60 FPS, then maybe, just MAYBE, at that price, but fucking $60? That’s enough for a big AAA game at this point, granted Nintendo is AAA, but still! Hell! No, even fucking AAA games are cheaper than this shit! I’ve bought fucking Star Wars Battlefront (2015) at my local GameStop for $2! FUCKING 2 DOLLARS! I’M NOT FUCKING KIDDING! AND THEY WANT TO CHARGE YOU $60 FOR THIS EMBARRASSING PIECE OF GARBAGE!? I can understand games at $60, because most of those games are usually very long, like I played Red Dead Redemption 2, and that game was $60, but you know what? That game, takes you at most! 1-2 weeks to complete it! There is no fucking excuse for this game to be fucking $60!
Even after the countless updates that were announced for the game, such as new allies in the game, they still didn’t fix the framerate issue! All they cared about is the fucking ally gimmick in this game, that’s all they cared about! They didn’t give a shit about the fucking game, it’s like they just made as many pointless levels in the game, and tried to mold them, and tailor them in a way to suit the ally gimmick for this game, but not try to implement the story or give you a reason to keep playing! This fucking game is just as disappointing as Yoshi’s Island DS, because I loved the fucking SNES game that came out, and I thought, well Kirby Super Star Ultra for the DS was a remake of the original, maybe this game would be like that, but no, it was a half-assed, watered down copy, which shamefully took the name Yoshi’s Island, and slapped the DS at the end of it to trick customers into thinking it’s a remake, but instead, a piece of fucking shit sequel with more annoying fucking babies screaming in your fucking ear, throughout the entire fucking game!
Even a year later after this game came out, when Super Kirby Clash was announced, which was a free to play game with microtransactions, the GAME IS STILL IN FUCKING 30 FPS!? So, to me, it seems like, the future for the Kirby franchise is doomed for me, because if you can’t make a game that’s worth my time as a Kirby fan, then why fucking bother! This fucking game was just as disappointing to me as when I first got Kirby Squeak Squad, and even that game was worth your fucking time, because at least the game took around 7-8 hours to fucking beat! Yeah, even though the game was unmemorable, at least the levels were of decent length, and you kind of felt somewhat accomplished when you beat the final boss of that game, but this game? This game is like going to the kitchen and getting water from the fountain, only instead to find out that the water is fucking warm instead of cold! This is like squeezing a constipated shit turd out of your asshole, only for it to hit the water and splash right back up into your asshole.
And you know, that’s really sad, because, I’m a huge Kirby fan, I fucking love Kirby, there’s something about the franchise that just calms me down and puts me in a good mood! I remember being a kid and first hearing about Kirby in the commercial (it was 2008), and it was for Kirby Super Star Ultra for the Nintendo DS. I remember how much I wanted to play that game, and I was like, “Wow, Kirby is so fucking cool! He can have all these superpowers and beat up enemies? That’s fucking awesome!”. Of course, I was young back then and didn’t know about consoles, so I looked it up online and the first flash game I played was this colored Kirby game with Kirby’s Dreamland 3 Intro music playing in the background, and you just walked around, inhaling blocks and throwing it at enemies, and it was so nostalgic! I felt so much peace and happiness when I played it. Then one day, I stumbled upon Nintendo8’s website and saw Kirby’s Adventure and said, “Hey, I heard of Kirby, and I finally get to play one of their official games! I wonder what it’s all about?”. Next thing I knew, I was playing a fun, action, side-scroller game, and I fucking hooked, granted I couldn’t beat Kracko at the time, but other than that, the rest was history, I was then in love with the Kirby franchise!
Kirby helped me with my anxiety and my depression, it helped me progress through the struggle that I was dealing with in my life. I remember on my 12th birthday, I got Kirby’s Return to Dreamland with my first ever Nintendo Wii, and I was so fucking happy at the time, every level was fun, the giant weapon gimmick was actually fun and the fact that you could use it on mini-bosses and also at the final boss of the game was even more fun! I remember getting Kirby Triple Deluxe for the Nintendo 3DS and saying how relaxing that game was, granted it was forgettable, but at the end of the day, the game was $30, and it was so relaxing and stress relieving. When Kirby Planet Robobot was announced, I wasn’t too excited for the game, as I wasn’t into futuristic looking games like Metroid, or Mass Effect, and I preferred traditional natural levels, but then I got the game for my 17th birthday, and I was so happy! Literally, level, after level, the game got better, and it exceeded my expectations! This is why you never judge a book by its cover! The game story-wise got more interesting, and the levels were becoming more intriguing! The developers actually gave a shit and put so much care into this game!
And then this game came out, and now, it ruined that for me! This game to me, is literally how Metroid fans felt about Metroid: Other M, it felt short, rushed, and uninspired. Literally, the entire game was fucking four worlds (if not, five worlds if you count the final boss area) long! This game was so fucking short, I managed to beat this game within 3 hours! Three fucking hours! Not even indie games are that short! All the other Kirby games at most, took at least 10 hours to beat on normal run, and all the while, doing-so, the levels were satisfying and memorable at best when you beat those games! This entire game here, felt like a mixed fucking bag, like you have a fucking beautiful cake that you decide to throw away, and the baker throws it in the dumpster because it’s stale now, so the cake is now in pieces, mixed with piss, shit, and vomit that the people two streets down the road from a bar, decided to duke it out on it, all the while already being mixed with rat feces, rotten, moldy, watermelons, and fucking hobo piss, and you’re a homeless guy, starving. You see parts of that beautiful cake in pieces, in the dumpster, and you want to eat it, but it’s mixed with piss, puke, and shit, but you have no choice but to eat it, because you’re already starving, might as well just give in. So you try to force yourself to eat the good bits in the garbage, ignoring the piss and shit mixed in with it, and you just rinse and fucking repeat. Not satisfying whatsoever, and in the end, you feel like fucking shit. It’s a good-looking cake, but it’s mixed with piss and shit, and that’s how I fucking felt about this fucking game. I figured, I’ve spent $60 on this game, might as well go all the way. $60 fucking wasted, $60 down the fucking drain.
Trust me when I say this, that this game is not fucking worth your money! Don’t buy this fucking game, I would even argue and go as far to say not to buy it used! This fucking game feels rushed and unfinished, it’s like they had a bunch of random scrapped levels from previous Kirby games and just threw them together, it’s not worth $60! Red Dead Redemption is worth $60! Fucking Dark Souls is worth $60. Hell, even Super Mario Odyssey is worth $60! This game is way too short to be $60, and you know, I had an argument with a friend (I’m getting ahead of myself here, he’ll be mentioned in the next chapter), and this stupid ass motherfucker is going to say, “Welp, the game can’t be perfect all the time, maybe next time, IDK”, MOTHERFUCKER, YOU WOULD BE FUCKING PISSED TOO IF YOU’VE BEEN A FUCKING LONGTIME LOYAL FUCKING FAN OF A FRANCHISE THAT YOU’VE BEEN SUPPORTING AND ROOTING FOR AND PUT YOUR HARD EARNED MONEY, YOUR HARD EARNED ALLOWANCE INTO BUYING THAT FUCKING GAME, ONLY TO GET TREATED TO THIS!? SO SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT! FUCK THIS GAME!
Hopefully when the new Nintendo Switch Pro comes out, it’ll iron out all the flaws with the 30 FPS cap and everything, and then, maybe the game might be playable to me, but even then, it still doesn’t rule out the fact that this game is a pile of stinking dogshit.
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